Papa Frank
9/26/2008
Rabbi Josh Hearshen
I am writing words I never wanted to write. We always think that the people that we treasure, the people that we love will be with us forever. We do not imagine the painful experience of having to say goodbye to people like that. Every time we say goodbye to a loved one, we do accept a certain level of risk that it could be the last time. And in August as Carrie and I were about to get on a plane to return to Seattle, we both sensed that possibility. On that trip Papa and I sat and talked for some time and I would like to share with you about this amazing man, some lessons I learned from him through the years, and these lessons were made clearer on this trip and through those conversations.
When we complete the reading of a book of the תורה we stand and recite the words: “חזק חזק ונתחזק, Be Strong, Be Strong, and You will be Strengthened.” We will be reciting these words in a couple of weeks as we complete the reading of the תורה for this year. And as we learned so much from Papa as we learn from the תורה it is appropriate to apply this phrase to the conclusion of his life. Papa Frank was a man of three strengths or convictions: Judaism, Country and Family. These three items were constantly with him through his entire life. These three items were at his core.
חזק: Papa’s first conviction, first strength, was his religion and his synagogue, Beth AHM. From the moment you walked into their house you knew this was a Jewish home. These past years were tough ones as Papa was unable to get to the synagogue. I have never known anybody who would actually look forward to going to board meetings. But Papa would insist that Grandma Gigi take him to meetings at the synagogue to stay in the loop. Papa served as president on multiple occasions, and was always involved in one way or another. Rabbi Bergman told me on Wednesday that Papa was truly one of the greatest presidents he ever worked with. What was it about the synagogue that drew him there? It was a second home to him. He felt a very close attachment to his people and his God, and so he naturally felt a very strong commitment to the house where those people assembled and those people worshipped God. His commitment to the synagogue was expressed in so many ways. But the greatest way was that he gave his time, his heart, and his soul to Beth AHM. I always was amazed at services when he was able to get there that people would just flock to him and would not let him get to his place in the sanctuary for a good 15 or 30 minutes. This must be similar to the Papa that Carrie described to me who never stayed in his seat in the sanctuary.
חזק: Papa’s second conviction, strength, was the sacredness of this great country in which we live. He was a proud veteran and a proud American. When he was only a teenager he saw the US going to war to fight in WWII and there he was volunteering to join the marines and fight in the pacific theatre. When he returned he remained loyal to his country by always staying involved civically and constantly helping people. He then became a volunteer policeman in the city of Southfield for many years. Volunteer police officers serve our communities in times of need and in times of celebration. He served because he felt a call to duty and honor. He served because he knew nothing else but service. Papa never spoke about the war, at least not that often. I once asked him about it and we sat down for two hours and I interviewed him about his life and the war. He wanted so badly to shield us from the bloodshed he had witnessed. He wanted so badly to allow us to believe in a world where war and bloodshed were not okay. He wanted so badly for us to have something different. This is why he fought in the war, to make a better tomorrow and to serve his country that he believed so deeply in.
ונתחזק: And we will become stronger. Papa’s first two strengths/convictions, did not have nearly as much centrality to his core as his last convictions or strength. The other two fed the last and he took from those to make this last one stronger. On our last afternoon together I sat in Papa and Grandma Gigi’s room to say goodnight and goodbye. As we sat there talking what did he talk about? Family. He told me about his father and his mother. About uncles and aunts and his brothers. This was fitting because he believed at the core of every person is a family. And that family is central to thriving in this world. I saw this in the way he related to his grandchildren. I was blessed to be adopted as a grandson as I married into the family. His connections with Carrie, Dayna, Jason, Blake and Spencer, and with Isaac and myself, were so strong. These connections were strange to me at first. I could not understand the need that he felt to influence his grandchildren, and that they felt to gain his acceptance (as if there ever were a doubt). But the תלמוד teaches us דבני בנים, הרי הן כבנים (קידושין ד.), that grandchildren are like children. It was hard to accept, but I learned with time to see the man who would light up when one of his grandchildren walked into the room. After Carrie and I got married and we were heading back to LA we were leaving Papa and Grandma Gigi’s house and Papa looked at me and told me whenever he left home for a period of time he would kiss his father and his grandfather goodbye and he expected the same from me. This meant the world to me as now I truly felt that he looked at me like a grandson. And we have always shared this parting ritual ever since. I made a point in August to remind him that I owed him a kiss goodbye.
Papa did not see family in some minimalistic fashion. Rather, he saw it as anybody who is remotely related. Anybody who would bump into us at a family reunion, or at somebody else’s family reunion was considered to be family. Look around you, you will find people who are relatives and they are all torn up, why, because we just lost a hero. We just lost a mentor. Or as Melissa once said we just lost “the Godfather.” Papa would do anything for his family and his family would do anything for him. Just recently one of his best friends died, Teddy, his brother-in-law. Some of us felt that a part of Papa died on that day and thus we are here now.
In the very beginning of the תורה we learn: לא טוב היות האדם לבדו, It is not good for man to be alone. (בראשית ב:יח) Papa never knew anything else? He only knew togetherness, he only knew faithfulness, he only knew relationships. It was impossible to not befriend such a man when you met him, and so he always had the world by his side. Also at his side was Grandma Gigi. The quote from בראשית about not being good for man to be alone… That is in reference to the creation of חוה as a help/soulmate for אדם. You and Papa were soulmates. The two of you shared so much and you truly were his everything. The way you cared for him was so incredible. And the twinkle in his blue eyes was always brighter when you were at his side.
חזק חזק ונתחזק… Be strong Be Strong, and will be strengthened. Papa was a strong man with strong convictions. As we close the book of his life we are all to heed the words by which he lived, חזק be strong with your religion, חזק be strong with your country, ונתחזק and we will be strengthened as a family. We will find a way to cope. He has strengthened us for all of these years to be able to cope. Here is how we will manage: In the Bible we are called an אור לגוים, a light unto the nations. But Papa was not only a light unto other nations, he was a light unto us as well. Today after the funeral Ellen, Steven and Grandma Gigi will each light memorial candles. Tonight as we prepare for שבת we will setup our candles and light those as well. Next week we will light candles to mark the beginning of יום טוב, and a new year. As we will look at those candles, we will see a flame, and a flame should be passed on, in order to stay alive. Papa will continue to warm us as fire warms us. Papa will continue to light our path as fire provides light. And Papa will continue to give us the strength to continue in this world, as fire provides energy. He will do this for us because although his body is no longer with us. His soul is indestructible, and we will all continue to feel his presence with us. It is impossible to not feel it, he has been with us for so long, and that influence is not easily blown out.
תהי נשמתו צרורה בצרור החייםMay his soul be bound up in the bond of life and let us say: אמן
We had a doctor's appointment today and we were told not to expect anytime soon (next week). But who knows? Anyways... I need all of your help. Carrie is turning 30 next week, and I have no idea what to buy her... Why don't you all post responses to this and let me know what you think is a good gift. Winner has my unending gratitude.
